Self-Kindness for Healing: Showing up for Ourselves Before we can Show up for Others
- Jes Knoop
- Dec 16, 2025
- 3 min read
Grief has a way of turning compassion outward while leaving little behind for ourselves.
We worry about how others are coping. We show up. We hold space. We manage responsibilities, emotions, and expectations—often while quietly setting our own pain aside.
In a world that increasingly talks about self-care, grief reminds us that rest and routines alone are not enough. What grief truly asks for is self-kindness—a compassion that reaches inward, tending not just to what we do, but to how we relate to ourselves in moments of loss.
Sharon Salzberg, a leading voice in mindfulness and loving-kindness, teaches that compassion must include the self if it is to be sustainable at all. As she reminds us:
“Self-compassion is like a muscle. The more we practice flexing it, especially when life doesn't go exactly according to plan... the stronger and more resilient our compassion muscle becomes.”
Grief is one of those moments when life very clearly has not gone according to plan.
Self-Compassion as a Foundation
There is a quiet truth grief teaches us: you cannot give what you do not have.
When we exclude ourselves from the kindness we offer others, we begin to live from emotional depletion. Love becomes strained. Support becomes exhausting. Care begins to feel heavy.
Self-kindness is not selfish—it is foundational. By developing a sense of inner sufficiency through self-compassion, we create the capacity to love others more freely. We give not because we are empty and seeking relief, but because we are rooted and resourced.
In grief, this means allowing yourself to hurt without shame. It means acknowledging that your pain matters too. It means giving yourself the same compassion you might offer to another person, were they in your shoes.
Practice, Not Perfection
Self-kindness is not something we achieve once and carry forever. It is a practice, especially in grief.
Like tending a garden, it is cultivated through small, daily acts:
Noticing when your body is tired and allowing rest
Offering yourself patience on hard days
Pausing to breathe instead of pushing through pain
Letting emotions arise without judging them
Some days the practice feels natural. Other days it feels impossible. Both are part of the process. Grief does not ask for perfection—it asks for presence and consideration.
Grief and Our Shared Humanity
One of the most healing aspects of self-compassion is the recognition of common humanity. In grief, we often feel that we are alone in our suffering, but self-kindness gently reminds us otherwise.
Every person longs for happiness. Every person wishes to be free from suffering. When we recognize this shared desire, compassion for ourselves becomes a natural extension of loving-kindness for all beings.
Your grief does not separate you from others—it connects you to something deeply human.
A Quietly Revolutionary Act
In a society that rewards productivity, resilience, and emotional restraint, choosing self-kindness can feel radical.
Cultivating self-esteem and self-compassion—especially in grief—is a revolutionary act. It pushes back against the inner critic that says you should be “handling this better.” It resists cultural messages that urge us to move on quickly, stay strong, or minimize loss.
Self-kindness says: I am allowed to be human. I am allowed to grieve. My grief is testament to the depth of my lived experience and the strength of human connection.
In all this, try to remember: self-kindness does not require dramatic change. It begins right where you are, with the life you are living now. It begins simply, with kindness.
Yours,
Jes Knoop
Founder
P.S. For those of you local to Southern Alberta, our Caregiver Workshop, "The Cost of Care," is open for registrations. For details or to register, click here.
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